Cold and Lonely
by Meridas
Summary: Jack makes all kinds of exceptions, loopholes, and sacrifices for those he cares about, because he never wants to lose them before he has to. The team doesn't always agree with their Captain's decisions, but sometimes they do try to understand. One-shot during/after 'Meat'.


_Takes place directly after the episode 'Meat' season 2 ep. 4. Indirect spoilers for that episode. Also a tiny spoiler for the radio drama 'Submission'. Rated for mild language and very mild sexual situations (kissing, geez, come on...) Torchwood belongs to the BBC (starz, whatever...) and RTD and co._

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Ianto ran a hand through his hair, hardly believing what had just happened. Gwen's shouts seemed to echo in the sudden silence of the Hub. Jack had stormed past him and retreated behind the fortress of his desk and his brooding. Tosh and Owen simply stared at each other, and at Ianto.

As quietly as she could, Tosh tapped some keys. Her computer screen brought up CCTV of the Plass just as Gwen and Rhys walked out of view. Tosh just shook her head slightly, but Owen sent a glare toward Jack's office.

Ianto walked quickly over to join them. "Don't start," he muttered.

"Why not?" Owen hissed. "I want to know why the hell Rhys isn't amnesiac right now."

"Are you deaf?" Ianto snapped. "Gwen won't stand for it."

"It shouldn't matter," Tosh snapped back uncharacteristically. Her dark brown eyes surveyed Ianto briefly. "Jack can't just give into her all the time like that." She glared at his office again.

Ianto bit down on a sigh. "He doesn't," he said calmly. "He put today's investigation over Gwen's personal demands earlier. This is one thing, Tosh, and it won't work again — he won't let her threaten to quit every time he makes a call she doesn't like. And if Rhys turns out to be a security threat, we'll ret-con him whether she likes it or not."

Owen's eyes were narrowed with displeasure, his face already lined with his own efforts to forget the events of the day. "There are better ways to handle her personal issues than that… that's favoritism, plain and simple, and Jack should know he can't afford that."

Ianto went ahead and rolled his eyes. He didn't want to… _justify _Jack's feelings, his actions, if Jack himself didn't want to explain… but Owen and Tosh were looking at him with a challenge and something disturbingly close to sympathy. "It isn't just Gwen," he pointed out, feeling irritated by those looks. "He bends the rules for all of us, all the time."

"But this is—"

"He doesn't want to lose her, Tosh!" Ianto exclaimed finally. He gestured toward Gwen's station, to the pictures of her and the team around Tosh's desk. "Do either of you want Gwen to leave? Do you want to know every day that she doesn't remember us or anything we did, and that we drove her away?" Ianto shook his head. "Don't blame Jack for this; I think he's right. This is one exception, and he's made bigger ones for us in the past. So let it go."

He paused for breath, glancing toward Jack's office. "Don't be angry with him," he added quietly. "He loses everyone he cares about, and there's nothing he can do about it." He looked them both in the eyes, firm in his defense of both their teammate and their captain, willing them to remember the times Jack had made loopholes and sacrifices for them, had _died _in their places, because he would come back where they would not.

"Do you really think he should push Gwen away, lose her before he has to, when there's something he can do to prevent it?" Ianto pressed quietly, when neither of them responded. "He doesn't always have that option. One day he's going to lose all of us, and it's going to hurt him. He won't let us go until he has no choice."

Tosh had kept completely silent until Ianto finished. Then she looked at him for a long moment; then she nodded. Ianto glanced up as Owen lowered his eyes with a small nod of his own.

Ianto hid a sigh of relief with the ease of long practice. "We could all go home for a few hours," he suggested. "I think Jack was going to suggest it anyway. We've got nearly everything sorted; just a few loose ends to tie up with the police, explaining the new amnesiacs in their custody…"

"Need me to do that?" Tosh asked eagerly. "I can do it at home from my laptop."

"I'll just freeze the last of the meat samples and get out of here," Owen muttered. "Shame it's too early for the pub… fancy getting lunch, anyone?"

Tosh accepted cheerfully, while Ianto murmured a "No, thanks," and went over to his station for something to do with his hands; the familiar smell and motions of the coffee machine relaxed him. Ironically, the coffee calmed him down, settled the shaking in his hands. That probably indicated an unhealthy tolerance to the stuff, he thought wryly; but once Owen and Toshiko had gone, Ianto set the cup down and made his way to Jack's office.

He knocked lightly on the doorframe. "Anything I can get you, Jack?"

The captain looked up, startled not by his appearance but his words. He closed the leather-bound book he'd been writing in, and stood. "Are you leaving?"

Ianto shrugged. "Only if you want me to." He crossed the room to stand in front of Jack. "Everyone else is off on call."

Jack attempted to muster his usual reaction to that: he lifted one eyebrow and tried for a grin. But the smile faded, and his dark blue eyes searched Ianto's face for a long moment. Ianto could see Jack about to fall into one of his darker moments; he stepped forward again and placed a teasing kiss on Jack's lips. Ianto had had enough of the darker emotions today — he wanted to feel adrenaline from something far more pleasurable than a gun to his head. He pulled away from Jack with a slight smile, wondering if he should voice that comparison just to see Jack's affronted reaction.

Jack's hands ran up and down Ianto's arms. "I'm sorry," he said roughly. "I didn't mean to — but I almost—"

"I know, Jack," Ianto stopped him. It all could have gone so badly wrong. If Jack had been a second slower grabbing Tosh, if that hotheaded criminal had had one more bullet in his gun, if anyone but the vet had found Owen — Jack could have lost them all today, and when they were finally safe he's almost lost Gwen again. He lived every day trying not to think about the day they all, inevitably, left him behind. It was a feeling that none of them could ever really understand, Jack's impossible loneliness… even Ianto, Toshiko, and Owen, broken as they were in their own ways, couldn't comprehend the ways that their captain kept trying to live his life, kept trying to stave off heartbreak, kept having to choose between those two very separate options. All Ianto could do was try to make it a little easier. He had tried his best to explain to Tosh and Owen; now he pressed his lips softly and briefly to Jack's forehead.

Without hesitation Jack's hands pulled him closer. Ianto closed his eyes and slid his fingers into Jack's hair as his lips parted under the surprisingly gentle pressure of Jack's. But the kiss ended too quickly, as the troubled captain pulled away.

"Should I let her go?" Jack asked quietly, roughly. He glanced at the computer screen showing the Plass — where Gwen and Rhys had disappeared from. "She could be happy and normal and safe, Ianto…" he rubbed his hand over his face. "All of you could, if I weren't so damn selfish. If I could just let you go."

Ianto raised his eyebrows. This conversation was irritating him now — he hadn't been finished kissing Jack, but he was definitely done considering might-have-been's. "I can speak fairly confidently for all of us when I say: bollocks."

Jack's head snapped up in surprise. "What?"

Ianto slid his hands into his pockets. "If you let us all go — gave us ret-con, set up normal lives for us, never saw us again — you don't think we'd ever notice something was missing?"

"You wouldn't know anything different," Jack murmured bitterly.

"But we'd miss something anyway," Ianto replied calmly, "even if we never quite knew that it was Torchwood… or you." Ianto reached out and ran the tips of his fingers along Jack's face. "I would know," he insisted quietly. "Knowing you… you're impossible to completely forget."

"Gwen managed it," Jack pointed out.

"She didn't know you yet." Ianto shook his head. "Jack, there are always triggers — things that make you stop and think, even if they don't totally break the amnesia."

A small smile was tugging at Jack's lips. "And what would make you stop and think, even if you didn't remember me?"

"World War Two," Ianto said immediately, which made Jack chuckle. "Americans, maybe… though I guess I've always had a thing for Americans…"

"Ianto Jones," Jack exclaimed. "You saying I wasn't your first?"

Ianto rolled his eyes at him. "If you did ret-con me into normality," he asked curiously, "how would you set my life up?"

"Hm…" Jack ran his finger over Ianto's lips as he thought. "You could work at a museum, or a library… although I could send you to university, I bet you'd make a hell of a lawyer…" He snapped his fingers. "Nope, I got it. I'd have to set you up with a coffee shop. Now there's a talent that the world can't go without." He grinned, very much back in Ianto's personal space by now. "It'd have to be here by the bay, of course, so I could come by, too."

Ianto raised his eyebrows again. "It's always about you, isn't it, sir?"

Jack gave him a look which clearly said "of course it is" before he leaned in and nuzzled Ianto's pulse point. "I definitely couldn't just quit your coffee cold turkey," he continued, his breath raising goosebumps along Ianto's skin. "I wonder how hard it would be to convince you to date me again…"

Ianto froze, his hands going still on their wandering journey across Jack's shoulders. Jack raised his head, meeting Ianto's eyes. "This is all hypothetical, of course," he added quickly.

Ianto smiled slightly. "I know." He brushed Jack's hair out of his face, even though it fell right back. "Not that you need the ego boost, but — hypothetically speaking — I don't imagine that it would be too difficult." He smiled at Jack's slightly smug grin and added quietly, "I still don't think I could ever totally forget you."

To his surprise, Jack raised his hands and cradled Ianto's face between his palms, his long, calloused fingers framing Ianto's jaw. "Nor I you," he said softly. Then he closed the slight distance between them, sealing their lips in a soft, heated kiss that shuddered through every nerve in Ianto's body. In his mind he filed this conversation away to be carefully gone over later, but for now… well, it could very well be cold and lonely out there, but he didn't know or particularly care — he was here with Jack.

* * *

_AN: Meat was one of those episodes where I would have cheered if someone strangled Gwen. I mean, for a main character, she's not all that bad, but sometimes... I'll stop now. Anyway, her speech at the end both pissed me off and kind of made me admire her, in a way, when looking at it from one very small, very particular angle... _

_But this isn't about Gwen, it's about our two favorite boys, isn't it? All good, then. :) I've had this on file for quite a while now, waiting patiently to be edited, so here it is, finally seeing the light of day. I worried about the characters all being a little bit... well, out of character, but honestly it was kind of fun to write. Feel free to tell me what you think of it. It may still be subject to small changes in the future. (Anybody willing to be a very relaxed beta?)_


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